Should I buy a wedding gift for an out-of-state relative?

First off WE are not a traditional family by all means...we're of latino, modest background where formalities are non-existent, RSVPs, engagement parties, bridal showers, x-mas cards, birth announcements, etc. are not something we practice regularly...anyway...

I have an aunt whom I see maybe once every year and half (if that) The last time I saw her was for my wedding in California (she traveled 45 mins) I moved a week later to Texas and haven't spoken to her since. I received her wedding invitation in the mail yesterday (she only has my address because I mailed my cousin a picture of my daughter) The wedding is for Sept. 27 at her home in California. I'm not rich, I guess I could afford it if I tried hard, but does she really expect me to take a week off work and travel 1,500 miles with my newborn for her wedding? Or was that one of those "mail me a present" invitations? In either case, am I supposed to send her a wedding gift? If so, what do I spend? and does it matter that she's in her 50's and it's like her 3rd marriage?

Answers to each of my questions is appreciated. I already know people usually send wedding gifts if they cannot attend, but please take my specific situation into consideration.

Thank you!
Ms. X: Negative people find negativity all around them. Unfortunately, your observation to my "bitterness" and bad vibes is incorrect. If I had the money to travel to her wedding and buy her an expensive gift I would. And yes I am a little offended because everyone received an invitation 2 weeks ago, I just got mine yesterday and it came only a few days after I mailed something to her. I don't know anyone that wouldn't be offended if they received a "mail a gift" invitation. If after thinking it over I decide to mail her a gift, even if that's what she wanted in the first place, my gift will be sent with love, not bitterness. If you can opine about this particular situation rather than my personality, please do so, if not please feel free to answer another question. Thanks for your answer anyway.
"GIFT SHOULD BE SENT OUT OF LOVE" Yes, ideally. But who are we kidding, we've ALL given a gift out of obligation at some point or another...a boss, a friend who's popping into the house for Christmas, an in-law, a person who happens to give you a gift on your birthday...c'mon, it's natural to feel a little obligated! Let's not pretend we live in a society that does absolutely everything out of pure emotion. We all have social responsibilities at some point or another...


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It's as much of an obligation for you to maintain contact with your aunt as for her to maintain it with you. Perhaps she thought you LIKED her? Guess not. Gifts are not required. Ever. Even less so if it is her 3rd marriage. I'd send her a lovely card and congratulate her on her new marriage.

I'm getting married to a guy whose been married several times. I don't expect gifts from anybody.

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It's not normal for a third marrage to have a formal wedding/shower/gifts. Generally wedding gifts were created to help young couples start out their lives together. I highly doubt that your aunt needs a new blender, or a new set of dishes.

However, she did come to your wedding, and send you an invitation. The very least you should do (even if you are not attending) is at least send her a congrats card in the mail. It is common to send gift cards or checks in the mail with the "sorry I can't come to the wedding" cards.

My suggestion to you, is to send her a card. Plain, nothing in it. If you truly feel guity and want to send her a gift, then get a $25 dollar gift card to Target, or Kohls, or some other department store, although at a 3rd marriage it's not needed.

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i wouldn't worry about it. if u wanted to u could call her and thank her for sending u a invitation but u are unable to go to her wedding. etc...
just because she came to ur wedding does not mean any thing u now live too far away just to drop ur life to go to this wedding

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>>...but does she really expect me to take a week off work and travel 1,500 miles with my newborn for her wedding? Or was that one of those "mail me a present" invitations?<<

Wow. You sound bitter and put-out that she invited you. And you assume she sent it to you for nefarious reasons. Any gift you send would be done with bitterness and a sense of obligation, so I recommend you don't send one. Leave your negative vibes at home.

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First of all, congrats on the birth of your baby, and congrats to your aunt. On giving her a gift, you need to take your personal situation into account. It seems to me that a reasonable person would not expect a new mother to travel halfway across the US with a newborn to attend a wedding. So, I don't think she sent you the invite to obligate you to attend, it's an invitation. If you can't make it, you can't make it, and I'm sure she'll understand completely, especially if she has children. There are times when an invite is sent simply because the bride and groom are more worried about offending someone than not, and generally people tend to get offended when they DON'T get an invite than when they do, especially family. I'd say that's the case here--she sent an invite so that you'd know you're invited, but she certainly wouldn't expect you at drop everything and attend.

On giving a gift, again, it's not mandatory--regardless of what you'll read here. Here's an answer to your question from theknot.com. http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-questions/bridal-registry-advice/qa/how-much-to-spend-on-wedding-gifts.aspx If you can't afford to send a gift, and don't feel you're close to your aunt anyway, then that issue's solved. Send a card expressing your congratulations and best wishes, and end it there.

Good luck to you and your family!

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She attended your wedding. You moved away, not her. Did you send her your new address so that she could keep in touch? Maybe she wanted to and couldn't. I really doubt she expects you to attend the wedding, but maybe she thought it would be a good chance to show off the new baby as well. That being said, gifts should be given out of love, not obligation, and it is her 3rd marriage so I don't think it's necessary. Some people would probably request that you not send gifts. Why not send a card, tell her you're happy for her, and include your address with a note telling her you'd enjoy hearing from her. I'm sure she'd be very pleased to hear from you.

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If you are financially unable to contribute, I'm sure she'll understand. If you're merely unwilling to spend anything and are looking to use "we only see each other occasionally" as an excuse not to give her a gift, that's not nice. You don't have to spend a fortune to send a heartfelt gift, and to call it a "mail me a present invitation" doesn't speak well of your attitude. You aren't obligated to send a gift, just RSVP that regrettably you are unable to attend.

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