Why Exclude The MIL With Wedding Preparations?

I wish I could include my fiance's mother more. We've talked on the phone about our plans. We live in Mississippi and she lives in Canada so it's a little hard. I love that lady though. She's done so much for us.

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did your avatar get a facelift? i like!

i too am bowled over by the questions regarding cruelty toward the fiances family, divorced dads, sisters, and friends.

is it ok to embarrass, humiliate, hurt, fight with, ignore, not invite, and just generally upset other people? why, no it is not.

the reason i answer these, is because i am bored waiting for deliveries, and also because i just happen to know the answer, cause, like you, garnet, i have the advantage of years of experience. i know for a fact that the cruel things brides do to others comes back to them by those same others who take particular amusment in paying back the cruelty by excluding the bride from family events for decades to come. if they could only see how shortsighted their actions are. do i have to invite my stupid cousins? yes. does my dad have to walk me down the aisle? yes. do i have to be respectful ( there is a word that apparently is unknown to these brides) to my mother in law? yes.

as someone, not me, said here recently, a wedding is not to be used to get revenge on others, hurt others, or as a weapon to cause problems for others.

those who answer every question with 'its your day do what you want' are not correct. a wedding is a new beginning joining two families. the only way as far as i am concerned for a bride to behave is graciously and generously.

expecting people to travel great distances and take vacation time to do so, to go to destination weddings, weddings on holiday weekends, weddings that are done so cheaply ( i loved the recent " do i have to provide chairs?" questions) that they really really should not not not be done at all, well, these are all new things in this world where anything goes. except, the truth is, it doesnt.

there is a harshness, a crudeness, a prevailing selfishness and ignorance that comes from a lack of education about manners. there was a recent question about a bride who was fighting with her mother in law for the simple reason that the mother in law wanted to invite some personal friends, and the bride said, to my horror, " we only want people there that we know" and the mother in law said, well, i know them, and the bride was furious with that. this is what i mean by a complete lack of respect. where can you learn respedct and manners anymore? cotillion? junior league? sorority life? yes, it is still taught there. and, if i have anything to contribute it will be taught here too , one distressing question at a time.

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I agree with you that many women go out of their way to exclude their FMIL's BUT from personal experience I must convey how many MIL's are way too pushy and forceful, even if they aren't meaning to be. I would have included my mother in law in planning and activities had I felt that she would tag along, smile and just enjoy the experience but I knew she would start being pushy and trying to influence things and stepping on my mom's toes. I have never had a friend invite a FMIL to look at dresses and find that kind of strange to be honest. I wanted that to be something very special between my mom and I and did not include sisters or friends either. Every bride is different. If I have a daughter I would not want a FMIL intruding on my experience with my daughter and if I have a son I would not want or expect to be included in the activities by the bride. We will grow closer as the years go on but I would not expect to force it in the beginning like that.

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I think I was raised the same as you & your daughters. I am often horrified by some of the anti-FMIL questions I see on here. My FMIL can be quirky, but she's my fiance's Mom and my FMIL - - I wouldn't EVER think of excluding her from things. I e-mail with her frequently.

My FMIL saw pictures of my wedding gown before my own Mom did because I live away from them both and my FMIL has e-mail.

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A Nonny Mouse -- I mean Garnet Glitter:

The reason my MIL was excluded from wedding prep is b/c she died 4 years ago. Otherwise, she would have been included if she wanted to be, although she would be quite elderly and living 3,000 miles away.

It's sad and irritating to see so much bride/FMIL drama on this board. And while some of these brides legitimately do have FMILs from hell, I can see by some flippant "she's intruding on my life" attitudes that many of these brides are a big part of the problem.

I would love to see more brides offering olive branches and including their FMILs in their plans. Unfortunately, many brides here were of a generation where so many were spoiled rotten as if they're the only sentient being in the universe. Hence, you also have questions like, "How do I tell my guests that they're going to be paying for their meal?" and "How do I tactfully ask for money on my invitation?"

P.S. I like Jaded's answer quite a bit. I agree with everything she says, except her opinion that it's wrong to have weddings on family weekends. I consulted with family and friends who live 3,000 to 5,000 miles away, and it was easier for them to attend our wedding on a three day weekend as opposed to an ordinary weekend.

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bc some mother in laws become over bearing and cause too much stress for the bride. so its better for just her mother to help. i think a lot of mother in laws nowadays feel entitled by the"mother" role and overstep their boundraries and push the limits with the bride. so to avoid the stressful arguements its better for less peoples input. trust me i tried to include my mother in law but i realized she is very hard to please so it is better to keep a friendly distance to not clash and make things worse.

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I agree wholeheartedly. I love my MIL. She has always been great to me and my two children from a previous relationship. She lives a distance from us so it wasn't really possible to include her on the daily activities or planning but I tried to keep her clued in when we paid a visit. She lives in TN and we in OH. I guess I just don't understand all the drama with FMIL's. I would think respect and courtesy work two ways and I don't always believe it is lacked by the FMIL. Brides go a bit too crazy about everything and many times leave people feeling shafted when they try to give opinions and/or advice about anything.
The day before my wedding I took my MIL for her very first pedicure and had her nails done for her. Her first time in 65 years. I could see how much she enjoyed it and I am glad we have that memory together. I also took her the day of the wedding to have her hair and make up done as well as my mother. I think if people took their heads out of their *** they might all enjoy the things in life that really matter.

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I included my MIL and my GMIL in my plans. My MIL is the best MIL I could have wished for. The GMIL and I don't always see eye to eye but she is a nice lady too. My FIL is a great guy.

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[SweetBride202]

If you have that friendship then why not? Its your wedding, your decision.